#but i am never in a situation that requires this behaviour

[ghelgheli]

Afab people can also develop a gendered subjectivity in response to transmisogyny, whether they've been victims of it or not, just as amab people can develop it as a result of misogyny. So, if transfemininity is also defined by this characteristic, afab transfem also fit into it. Your objection to this fact is just a bias based, at best, on ignorance.

-

It's is a bioessentialist prescription because you're adopting a conception of transfemininity that dictates that to be transfeminine, you have to fulfil to expectation of being male assignment at birth. this is no different from someone who uses the bioessentialist conception of womanhood which require female assignement at birth. Both are form bioessentialism that we should not perpetuate at our level, but rather we should re-thinking these gender categories in a way that doesn't align with bioessetialist conceptions

whoops! you caught me out aha. I forgot that afab trans people have subjectivities shaped by transmisogyny. I also forgot that cis womanhood is defined in large part thru transmisogyny: the fear of being clocky, constant affirmation by distancing from the tranny-object except when it's hot to have a bit of a jawline now, palatability as opposition to the monstrosity of being the shemale. I guess cis women are transfeminine too!

let's remember, while we're at it, that transmisogyny is the spectre that haunts the subject of the cis man. the gendered border policing lest one take a step too close to sissification, the prohibition on behaviour that could threaten to make him a girl—oh! cis men are transfeminine too!

in fact, we're all transfeminine! transmisogyny, as the recognition and attempted correction of the tranny-glitch that undoes the threads of gender, asserts itself against all of us. it is impossible to be a gendered subject without having contours shaped by the domineering pressures of transmisogyny, because that is what demands we all fall in line to the gendered nightmare. oops! all transfem!

but wait. a certain group, deprived now of unique identification, has just lost the ability to describe its gendered situation. it has been swallowed up by the seas of inclusive thinking or whatever. I guess that's okay :) I guess we'll drop our complaints :) we were a nuisance in the first place, weren't we? sorry. so sorry for existing this way.

listen to me. listen to me not as your fucking ephemeral gender oracle telling you what you want to hear before being thrown away, not as your bullshit mouthpiece granting you entrance to this mystical domain you want to claim for yourself, but as a god damn person for once—an impossible thing to ask of the transmisogynistic tranny wannabe, I know, but try!

you cannot escape hegemonic gender and its violent devices with flaccid platitudes about "re-thinking these gender categories" as though by changing the names of things you can change the things themselves. transmisogyny is the bioessentialism, and transmisogyny is why I am a failed man—the faggot embodied—something less than both man and woman—a gender traitor specifically against my assignment itself. and if you cannot recognize the unique ways that transmisogyny is deployed unrelentingly and irrevocably against the ones who will never be able to resort to birth assignment as a defense—against the ones who cannot throw their hands up and say, "I was never supposed to be a man in the first place!"—you have not understood the first thing about the root source of transmisogyny, and it is no surprise to me that you have no sense of transfemininity as a political category, a(n un)gendered class.

[ladyfocalors]

The Prefect and their Knight

summary: As a devoted knight-in-training, Sebek sees guarding Malleus as his most sacred duty. So when Malleus begins spending more time at Ramshackle, Sebek appoints himself as your “overseer” to ensure you don’t lead his young master astray. You, however, are less than thrilled about having an overly loud half-fae constantly critiquing your every move. But as time passes, Sebek finds himself watching over you just as fiercely as he does Malleus… and that’s a realisation he’s not quite prepared to face.

pairing: sebek zigvolt x gn!reader

warnings: threats of violence but no actual violence occurs, arguments (Sebek and Prefect mutually annoyed by the other)

word count: 2.8k

i like this one a lot. i am very proud of this one, especially the ending.

As the proud protector of Malleus Draconia, Sebek considered it his solemn duty to remain vigilant at all times. It did not matter that Master Lilia assured him Malleus could defend himself. It did not matter that Silver, his fellow knight-in-training, believed in letting their lord enjoy his friendship freely.

What mattered was that Malleus had been visiting you with increasing frequency.

And that was unacceptable.

Sebek had never understood why his young master was so taken with you: a mere human, a magicless one at that. It was one thing for Malleus to humour you with small talk, but now he visited the Ramshackle dorm regularly, staying for hours at a time. It was highly improper.

Suspicious, one might even say.

And so, Sebek took it upon himself to monitor the situation.

"Overseer is the word you’re looking for," you muttered, after the third day of him tailing you. "Or pest. Either one works."

Sebek huffed, crossing his arms. "It is my sworn duty to ensure that my lord’s time is not squandered on foolish endeavours. I shall not permit you to lead him astray with your human nonsense!"

You shot him a confused look. "He comes here of his own free will. What exactly do you think I’m doing to him?"

"That remains to be seen." Sebek narrowed his eyes at you. "And I intend to find out."

You only rolled your eyes at his response and went about your day.

If someone had told you months ago that Sebek Zigvolt—the loudest, most overbearing knight-in-training you ever had the misfortune to meet—would become a permanent fixture in your daily life, you would have laughed and maybe cried a little.

But there he was, standing stiffly in front of the Ramshackle dorm, arms crossed over his chest, his usual frown firmly in place.

"Human!" Sebek barked the moment you stepped outside. "You are two minutes late! A grave offence, considering I have taken it upon myself to ensure that you do not engage in any behaviours that could tarnish the reputation of Lord Malleus!"

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. "Good morning to you too, Sebek."

He huffed, unimpressed by your lack of urgency. "Do not think your casual demeanour will fool me! My lord has deigned to visit this wretched dormitory far too often as of late, and as his loyal retainer, it is my sworn duty to monitor the situation." His sharp green eyes glowed. "That means keeping a close watch on you."

You groaned. "You make it sound like I’m up to something."

"Perhaps you are!"

"I'm not!"

"You could be!"

This was how it had been ever since Malleus had started visiting Ramshackle more frequently. Though you weren’t sure why the fae prince enjoyed your company so much but you welcomed his presence—he was far more pleasant than most of the student body. But apparently, his repeated visits had triggered some sort of protective instinct in Sebek, who, had decided that you required 'supervision'.

"You are simply too suspicious," Sebek continued, oblivious to the headache he was giving you. "A magicless human, yet somehow you have gained Lord Malleus’s favour! How? What is your scheme?"

"You keep talking about the same thing everyday. You keep talking about schemes and how you 'intend to find it'. How many times do I have to tell you that I don't have a scheme?!"

"Hm," Sebek squinted. "That is exactly what a scheming human would say."

You inhaled slowly through your nose. You were going to strangle him. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow either. But someday, when he least expected it. Or you'll glue his loud mouth shut, that will teach him to—

"What's all the yellin’ about?"

Grim poked his head out of the dorm’s doorway, ears flicking in irritation. "You’re makin’ a racket first thing in the mornin’! Some of us need our sleep, y'know!"

Sebek straightened, placing a fist over his chest. "As the future King of Briar Valley’s retainer, it is my sworn–"

Grim groaned. "Yeah, yeah, we know already!"

You turned back to Sebek, tilting your head. "Don’t you have training to do?"

Sebek stiffened. "I— !" He shut his mouth abruptly, then squared his shoulders. "My training is of no concern to you! The only thing that matters is fulfilling my duty! And right now, that means ensuring you are not a bad influence on Lord Malleus!"

"If anyone's a bad influence, it’s him," you said with a teasing grin, eyeing his reaction carefully.

Sebek gasped, scandalized. "How dare you!"

Grim cackled at your suffering. You were pretty sure he only put up with Sebek’s visits because he got enjoyment out of you and Sebek butting your heads together. But you didn't find it entertaining when all he did was shout and insult you. He refused to call you by anything except 'human', as if it was all you were.

It was safe to say that you were quite irritated. You could never look at him in a positive light ever.

Sebek was frustrating. Sebek was loud. Sebek was persistent. Sebek was obnoxious.

And at that moment, you wanted nothing more than to fight him.

"You are insufferable!" You shouted at him, fingers curling into fists at your sides. "Do you even hear yourself? ‘Oh, human, you are this! You are that! And Lord Malleus is the best!’ It’s all you ever talk about! You’re like a broken record– no, worse!"

Sebek scoffed, entirely unfazed by your outburst. "That is where you are wrong, human! My vocabulary is vast and refined, far beyond the comprehension of someone as unlearned as you!"

"Sevens!" You threw your hands in the air. "Do you ever shut up?"

Sebek raised his chin proudly. "Silence is the refuge of the weak! A true knight must always make his words known, lest his foes believe him to be unloyal to his master!"

"That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard."

"That is because you are ignorant!"

You clenched your jaw, vision blurring with anger. Your fingers twitched, itching to do something, you weren’t sure what, but the thought of grabbing him by the collar and shaking him like a dusty rug was becoming more and more appealing by each passing second. You were thankful Grim was away with Ace and Deuce otherwise he would witness seeing you like this.

You huffed and glared at him, cracking your knuckles.

Sebek, however, only arched a brow. "Resorting to petty violence? Hmph. How weak."

That snapped you right out of it.

You blinked, stunned. "What?"

"Only those who lack true conviction resort to meaningless aggression." He crossed his arms, looking down at you. "It is the way of cowards and fools. Do you count yourself among them?"

You were offended by the insult, but the sharpness of your anger had dulled into utter shame at his words.

Because he was right, was he not?

You weren’t actually going to hit him, obviously, but the fact that you wanted to, that you had let his words get under your skin so easily, was… disappointing, to say the least. Sebek was always loud, always frustrating, always managed to ruin your mood. But you have met and handled worse. Sevens, you handled overblots and survived.

You exhaled slowly, forcing your fingers to uncurl. "No," you muttered, feeling very ashamed. "I don’t."

Sebek nodded approvingly. "Good. Then do not entertain such foolish impulses again."

You stared at him, feeling a little stupefied and a little stupid too. Was this his way of giving you advice? Either way, you didn’t have the energy to argue. You rubbed your temples, willing away the headache that had begun forming the moment your day started.

A moment of silence passed between you, something exceedingly rare when Sebek was involved. You took the opportunity to actually think about him, not just react to him.

Yes, he was frustrating. Yes, he was loud. Yes, he was Sebek. But he wasn’t… bad.

In fact, if you were being honest with yourself, he had a lot of admirable traits.

Like how he never hurt you despite all your teasing.

He was dedicated.

Despite his self-imposed ‘duty’ to oversee you, his devotion to Malleus was something to be respected. He had a fierce, unwavering loyalty, no matter how many times Lilia or Silver reminded him that Malleus was perfectly capable of handling himself. And he cared about Lilia and Silver too.

He was disciplined.

Sebek trained harder than most people you knew. He was always striving to improve. Every day, rain or sunshine, he pushed himself to his limits, all for the sake of his duty, his purpose.

He was honest.

Blunt to the point of rudeness, but never deceitful. You never had to wonder what Sebek was thinking, because he would always tell you, loudly and without hesitation. There was something strangely refreshing about that.

He was–

You stopped yourself before that list could grow any longer. You weren’t about to start appreciating Sebek of all people. That was a slippery slope line of thinking.

You sighed, glancing back at him. He was studying with his arms still crossed, back straight and brows furrowed. His words had stopped your anger in its tracks and made you self-reflect for the first time in weeks.

How annoying.

You weren’t sure what everything swirling in your brain meant, but you had a feeling this wouldn’t be the last time you found yourself looking at Sebek Zigvolt in a different light.

At some point, his watchfulness became less about scrutinizing you and more about… keeping track of you.

He started noticing things.

Like how often you skipped meals because Ramshackle’s kitchen was barely functional, resorting to whatever meagre snacks you could scrounge up with whatever thaumarks you had left.

Or how you always walked back to your dorm alone at night, braving that despite being a magicless human surrounded by rowdy students with magic with a thirst for fighting, without a second thought.

Or how you always made sure Grim was fed before yourself and how much you cared for your two Heartslabyul friends.

And before he could process why, Sebek started adjusting his behaviour. He never outright admitted to caring (of course not!) but he made certain adjustments.

If you skipped meals, he would grumble about "humans being weak and requiring sustenance", before reluctantly shoving some of his own food towards you. More often than not, he would 'accidentally' have extra food which he would always shove towards you.

If you walked alone at night, he would happen to take the same path, even if Ramshackle and Diasomnia were nowhere near. He would be loudly declaring, "It would be disgraceful if a knight-in-training allowed even a measly human to fall prey to the dark!"

If you were exhausted, he would scoff at your lack of endurance but also quiet down and maybe even shut his mouth, allowing you rare moments of peace.

Sebek did not understand why he was acting this way.

It was simply logical, was it not? He was tasked with ensuring Malleus Draconia’s safety, and his young master had chosen to spend an inordinate amount of time in the company of this human.

Of course, Sebek needed to oversee you! Who knew what sort of foolishness you might drag Malleus into? What nonsense you might fill his head with? It was a matter of responsibility as a knight.

…then why did it feel like his concerns had little to do with Malleus anymore?

He realised the way his feet would naturally fall into step beside yours. He would walk past the Ramshackle dormitory unknowingly, he would feel a prickle of irritation when someone spoke dismissively of you.

Most troublingly, he realised it in the way he no longer thought of you as a nuisance.

No, you were still a frustrating, stubborn and reckless magicless human prone to nonsense. But you were capable. You were not without merit.

You had faced trials beyond anything most students could imagine, overcoming adversity despite your lack of magic, despite the odds stacked against you. You were far stronger than he had ever given you credit for.

It was that, surely, that kept drawing his attention.

But he would do nothing of it. He was here to serve the future King of Briar Valley, and you would be a distraction.

So, he avoided those thoughts until Malleus was the one to talk with him.

"Sebek, you have taken quite the liking to the Child of Man." Malleus stated.

"SUCH A STATEMENT– THAT IS… THAT IS ABSURD!"

"Oh? Are you saying I am wrong?" Malleus smiled.

"NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT I–"

Malleus, still smiling, rested his chin on his hand. "I see no issue, Sebek. In fact, if you wished to court them, you would have my blessing."

Sebek made a strangled noise.

Sebek had started avoiding you. Not in an obvious way, he still encountered you, but he cut interactions short. He kept his distance, and the most alarming was that he was quieter.

You noticed it immediately. Of course, you would, there was always this silence Sebek filled when Ace and Deuce were not around and now that he wasn't there, you were starting to sort of miss him.

And so, for the first time since this entire mess started, you sought him out.

"What’s wrong with you?" you approached him in the halls during the interval between classes.

"What?! What nonsense are you spouting now, prefect?"

"You’ve been acting weird." You crossed your arms. "Avoiding me. Being quiet."

Sebek scowled. "I do not avoid you!"

"Oh, so now you also lie?"

His jaw tightened. "No, I–"

He stopped. You stared at him.

"… Malleus gave me his blessing."

"Blessing? For what? And isn't getting a blessing from him a good thing?"

At your words, Sebek looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. His jaw clenched, his hands curled into tight fists at his sides, and his entire body radiated tension. He looked as if he was about to argue.

But he didn't.

"It is a good thing. Ordinarily," he said stiffly.

Ordinarily.

You frowned, tilting your head. "So, what is the issue? What did Malleus give you his blessing for?"

Sebek's lips parted, then pressed into a firm, thin line. His hands flexed, then clenched.

"TO COURT YOU!"

The words exploded from him, echoing down the hall with enough volume to startle a group of passing students. Several heads turned in alarm, a fellow first-year yelped and nearly dropped their stack of books.

You, meanwhile, could only stare.

Sebek looked worse than you. His fists were clenched at his sides, his entire body wound tight like a coiled spring. His face was flushed, and for all his usual bluster, there was embarrassment clearly printed onto his face.

Sebek liked you. He had grown to care for you. And now he was waiting—tense, flustered, expecting you to reject him, to throw it in his face, to laugh. And maybe you would have rejected him months ago. But not now.

You didn’t know what you wanted, exactly, but you did know you didn’t want to dismiss this.

So, carefully, you said, "Sebek."

His gaze locked to yours.

You exhaled, tilting your head slightly. "And… what do you want?"

That, apparently, was not what he had been expecting. His brows knit together, his lips parting slightly. "What?"

"You told me what Malleus said." You let your hands fall to your sides. "But what about you?"

Sebek’s mouth opened. Shut. Then opened again. His ears were tinged pink, and for a brief moment, he actually looked adorable.

Then, in a voice that was quieter than you had ever heard from him, he admitted, "… I do not know."

After a moment, you nodded. "Okay."

Sebek blinked. "Okay?"

"Okay." You shrugged. "I think I like you, but I don't know what I want either. So, how about we become friends who happen to like each other, and then we figure things out?"

You extended your hand towards him, a bright smile on your face.

Sebek stared at your outstretched hand as if it were some foreign object. His fingers twitched at his sides, his posture rigid. For a long moment, he did not move. You began to wonder if you had overstepped, if this was too much for him. And then, just as you were about to lower your hand, Sebek grasped it.

His grip was strong, steady, but not crushing. His palm was rough with callouses from years of training.

Sebek swallowed, his expression still caught somewhere between bewilderment and a barely-contained emotion you couldn't name. "Then… we shall figure it out."

You smiled. "Yeah."

The bell rang, signalling the end of the break. Sebek released your hand, clearing his throat with a sharp exhale. He straightened his posture even further, if that was even possible, and turned on his heel.

"I shall walk you to your next class!" he declared, voice regaining some of its usual fervour. "It would be disgraceful to allow someone so reckless to wander about unsupervised!"

You laughed, "Right. Of course."

As you fell into step beside him, you noticed he was walking closer to you than before.

© ladyfocalors

[lunarxcity]

Teabags and Tomfoolery

-Azriel x DayCourt!Reader (Reader is Helion's second but has to stay in the Night court for work but her and Azriel didn't get off on the right foot)

-This is a continuation of High Lords and High Jinks, but it can be read as a standalone

-When random gifts begin appearing in the house, you begin to question how much of it is the house's doing or if there's something(or someone) else here at play.

—

The shadowsinger drops to a knee and goes, “You’re right. I haven’t been very cooperative or courteous. You’re a guest of Rhys, and as a member of his inner circle, I haven’t been very welcoming. So, let’s start again. My name is Azriel. Here is the book that you require for your research. If that's all you're here for, it would be my honor to give you a proper tour of Velaris and formally welcome you to the night court.”

After physically and verbally sparring for at least an hour over a cauldrons-damned book, why is he suddenly being nice to me? Not even nice, a complete and total gentleman. The honey dripping from his tongue is a stark contrast to the poison that was there a mere moments ago. Was the change in his behaviour due to the same thing that caused fear to dance in his eyes for a second? Maybe Rhysand had overheard about our fighting from the librarians and metally scolded Azriel into being a perfect host. Whatever it was, the sudden shift in his demeanor was very off-putting and frankly, I don't want to force him to be my tour guide because Rhys is making him.

So I simply respond with, "It's alright Azriel, the satisfaction of getting the book is all the welcome I need. I assume your turn in behaviour is a result of Rhys' intervention?" Wide-eyed, he immediately rushed to respond, tripping over his words in an ungraceful manner that seemed so uncharacteristic of the cool and collected shadowsinger I had heard so much of, "No- I would- I mean-"

We heard long sauntering footsteps approaching behind us, "What he means is we are so lucky to have such a high ranking member of Day in our court and are so glad to hear about you staying here to complete your research." Rhys said with a feline smile and a mischievious glint in his eyes after appearing from cauldron knows where. Staying in the Night Court? I was led to believe this was to be a trip lasting only a few days. Good thing Helion and another Illyrian warrior, this one with red syphons, trailed right behind Rhys. I looked over to Helion, confusion written out on my features. He simply responded with, "There's a strange sickness spreading about our courts and while it is mild, there have been cases where it's messed with individual's magic. We don't know much about it, but firedrake lilies were known for their medicinal properties. Rhys' library has the only texts on this plant, so I'll need you to stay until we can figure out what's wrong or get a handle on the situation."

I have never been seperated from Helion or Day for that matter, for anything longer than a trip for business. As the high lord Helion can't leave his subjects and as his second it makes the most sense for me to go. The situation makes sense and it is my duty to ensure the safety of the day court citizens. But still, something definitely feels off here because why does the other Illyrian warrior look as though he's about to burst out in laughter or tears? Is everyone in this court just weird and nonformal? What am I getting myself in to?

I lock eyes with the unnamed Illyrian and a look of realization passes over his face and he immediately perks up and rushes to bring me into a bone-crushing hug. "HI, ITS SO NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M CASSIAN. WAS AZRIEL INVITING YOU TO OUR FAMILY DINNER YOU NEED TO MEET EVERYONE-" He says all of this while squeezing me so tight that I struggle to find my breath. He immediately pulls away and grasps my hands. He looks me in the eyes and I start to notice that he's starting to tear up? What is going on with everyone in this court, is anyone here normal? "If there is anything you need. Literally anything just let us know. We have been waiting so long to meet you, sometimes it felt like you would never show up-"

Rhys grabs him by the back of the collar, like a dog that was about to recieve a scolding. "I would also like to extend my apologies. Cassian get's very excited when we have visitors." He also leaned down and whispered to me, "He also might have had a bit too much wine before this." Cassian immediately protests, "I DID NOT. ALL I HAD WAS-" a shadow covers his mouth, silencing him and sparing our ears of anymore yelling.

I looked back to Azriel and he was just standing there and staring off into the distance. He seems really rattled I wonder what Rhys had said to him that shook him that deep. I'm dragged out of my thoughts by the stay tendril of shadow from earlier, it started circling around my wrist, like a bracelet. I look at him and hold up my hand revealing the shadow, "Are you need this back?" He snaps out of his daze and non-chalantly responds, "No it's alright. You can keep it, think of it as a pet if you would like. Besides, it appears he listens to you more than me anyways."

He walks past me, brushing past my side, causing a feeling of electricity to go up and down my spine. How odd. He immediately goes to Cassian who was wiping the tears from his eyes and arguing with Rhys. Grabbing Cassian by the arm, he turns to me and gives me a nod, "I look forward to working with you." He says with a nod and as Cassian begins to open his mouth to say something, winnows away.

I turn back to Rhys and Helion. Rhys looks slightly mortified, probably from the behaviour of who I now know to be Azriel and Cassian. Nonetheless he turns to me, "Now with those two gone we can finally sit down and discuss your placement here in my court. I wish I could promise you that they aren't normally like that, but I don't want to begin your stay here on a lie. You and Helion can head upstairs and settle in and we can continue this talk over dinner. Again we are grateful for your presence here in night and look forward to working with you. "

Helion and I give our thanks and begin to head upstairs. As we're walking we hear a female voice ask Rhys, "So how did it go? I'm very interested to hear how Azriel and Cassian ended up in the sparring ring." You hear just hear him exhale and continue to make your way up the stairs.

-

The first week in the night court was interesting to say the least. Rhys had introduced me to his entire inner circle. Cassian and Azriel I had already met, but I had the pleasure of meeting the rest over family dinner.

Mor, who I have met in passing over the years, greeted me with a long hug in a smile that felt way more intimate than we have ever been. The high lady and her sisters were also very sweet and also very curious about me. Nesta was borderline interviewing me, asking question after question with an icy look that melted the second we started bonding over our favorite author. Cassian tried to include himself in the conversation until he realised the genre of the books we were talking about. Amren and I have actually met before in the Day court, I helped had helped her on a mission a century back and had already gained her respect by challenging her in a fight over a small disagreement.

Azriel didn't speak much during the dinner, but you can tell that he was listening to every word his family was saying. His shadow pulled out my chair when I first sat down right across from him and it seemed as if he was very attuned to my every move. If I looked at something on the other side of the table too long he would ask someone to pass it down for me. When my glass was empty he had a shadow refill it. I assume it's because I am a guest, but level of attentiveness was slightly odd to me, but again he is the spymaster.

Nonetheless dinner went smoothly and so did the following days and I settled into the Night court. I started to explore Velaris, going shopping with Mor, a bookstore crawl with Nesta, and even having Feyre try to teach me to paint. All in all I began to enjoy everyone's presence and feel a part of the court.

-

The one thing that I haven't been able to fully get used to though, is the house of wind. Well specifically, the whole sentience thing. Rhys said that the house will give you whatever you need, but there have been strange things happening that makes me wonder how powerful the house's magic really is.

Like after I went on my bookstore crawl with Nesta, there was this box set of a series I already read that I had been eyeing but decided against since I didn't want to go overboard. I don't want to crowd my room right away when I don't know how long I am going to be staying for. But when I got to my room, the entire series had been sitting on my shelf. I asked Nesta about it and she seemed just as suprised as I was.

Then when I went shopping with Mor we were running late and ended up having to rush back to the house for dinner, so I didn't get to try this bakery that I had been eyeing. The next morning I woke up and there was a box filled with every single one of their pastries in the kitchen.

And it wasn't just that. Night is so much colder than Day, I was freezing the first few nights here. I went to the bathroom on my second night and came back to a dark blue thick, fluffy blanket on my bed. I had a headache while I was out? I come back to vial of pain reliever on my desk. I get a papercut while reading my book in the library? A band-aid appears on my desk.

My understanding is that the house will supply food and whatever you need when you want it, but I have no idea how these things are getting there.

I talked to Rhys and Cassian, and they both said that's not how the house's magic works, and it has to be someone acquiring these things and not the house. So I have a plan to catch the house in action, to prove that I am not making this up.

I like being here, but I do miss my court and one thing I would do every night in Day is have a cup of tea with Helion. While they do have tea in the Night court, it's not the same as the one's we have in day. The Night court's woody earthy blends are a lot deeper than the light floral teas of Day. I waited until the next family dinner until I brought it up, "Rhys, by any chance, are there any shops in Velaris that import tea from Day? I do like the tea here, but they can be a bit strong for my tastes." Rhys takes a break from his plate to respond, "I'm sorry, but there's none that I know of ." You smile at him and say," It's alright I can just ask Helion to bring some on his next visit but thanks."

The spymaster didn't look up from his plate, but I could tell he was listening to this entire conversation. I'm weirdly aware of most things Azriel does, his presence seeming to demand all my attention and any movement he makes goes unnoticed by me. You look over at him and you can tell he is having a mental conversation with Rhys, what they're saying no one knows. By the end of dinner Rhys looks slightly annoyed and gives him a nod and as the plates are being cleared Azriel begins to put on his coat and prepare to head out.

He forgot his gloves on the table so I grab them and bring them to him. I rush to catch him at the door before he leaves and hold out the gloves to him. "You aren't staying for dessert? I helped Elain make a trifle. It has chocolate." I looked at him with hopeful eyes, I noticed the shadowsinger has a sweet tooth, especially for chocolate, when I saw him sneaking bites of dessert when he thinks no one is looking. Most of the times whether it's a cookie, a brownie, or a bite of cake there will usually be a bit of chocolate in it. Who knew that the spymaster's secrets would include his love of desserts.

I don't know why his immediate departure is bothering me, I've barely spoken to him. We didn't get off on the right foot, he was almost outright rude letting his competitiveness outweigh any courtly manners, he rarely spoke in comparison to Cassian who frankly can never stop talking, and he has been almost avoided me since I've gotten here. So why is it that I don't want him to go so soon?

"It's okay. I don't really like desserts. Also I have a mission to attend to I really have to be going." He responds, his face almost emotionless, the mask of the spymaster up. His eyes betray him though, they seem distant as though he is thinking of something else entirely. "Are you going to be back soon? I can save you some before Cassian eats all of it." You try to keep the conversation lighthearted, even if shutting you down. "My mission could be long. Don't wait up." He takes his gloves from my hands and turns and begins to leave.

"Did I do something?" I blurt. He stills. Why did I say that? He's going to hate me more than he already does. Well if I'm already pushing I might as well keep going. He turns back, he genuinely looks suprised, the first emotion I've been able to get out of him all night. "And why would you think that?" You walk closer to him and look up to meet his gaze, "I know that we didn't get off on the best foot. I'm sorry if I offended you by fighting you over the book, my competitiveness gets the better of me sometimes. I don't know what I did, but I really do want to be friends and get to know you Azriel." He puts his hand on my shoulder and I heat up and begin rambling, "Know you and the rest of the inner circle of course! Uh it's just that I've spoken to everyone else and-"

Thank the mother he cuts me off. "You haven't done anything I just have had a lot on my plate. I understand succumbing to competitiveness as you saw me do the same. My coldness has nothing to do with you and I understand that I may have not helped with your adjustment to Night and for that I apologise. Once I return from my mission we can spend some time with each other and get to properly know one another."

He gives me a small smile and my heart nearly bursts in my chest. In that moment I could think of nothing else more beautiful than that smile. He leaves me dumbfounded in the entryway, I didn't even notice when Elain came up behind me and tapped my shoulder. I jumped. "We're having dessert now." She tells me with a soft smile, I follow her back to the kitchen to grab the trifle and she says something that suprises me, "Be patient with him. He will eventually open up, don't give up on him just yet."

-

Dinner almost distracted me from my real mission. There is no way the house or whoever had been leaving me the little presents could scour up Day court tea in such a pinch. It's production and importation are highly regulated since it's all grown and made in the Day court itself. There isn't a high production to begin with and Helion doesn't want other courts to have it, since it would cause a shortage in Day. It's the one selfish political decision that I allowed him to make, because let's face it I didn't want a shortage of my tea either.

We ate our dessert and lounged around the fire and talked. I kept a close eye on everyone and the house and everything seemed to be completely normal. The later it became, the more the amount of people dwindled until it was just me and Nesta. We were talking about our books when Cassian woke up from his nap on the couch and insisted that they go to bed. She said goodnight and, on her way out, accidentally tipped over the empty bottle of wine on the countertop. It fell to the floor and shattered, covering the dining room floor with glass. "I'm so-" She begins to apologise and I cut her off, "It's fine let me clean it up you guys go to bed." She nods, "Thank you." As she walks away I swear I see her give Cassian a mischievous look. Why is everyone in this family is always up to something?

I'm on the floor cleaning up the glass when the front door suddenly opens. Azriel must be back. I'm still on the floor on the other side of the dining table to where he is, I don't think he's noticed me yet. He sighs and stretches out his wings, he must have been flying for a while since he's been gone for several hours. He takes off his satchel from his shoulder and begins to empty his contents onto the dining room table. He must have been tired to not notice me, still crouching on the floor. I thought it would have been some kind of weaponry or packet of classified information that would be in his satchel, but no, it was 3 small boxes, one purple, one yellow, and one red.

I try to look up to see what they were, but my tiredness must have impaired my coordination causing me to hit my head on the table "Ow." He immediately looks over to me, looking like a child caught sneaking a cookie. I get up and look at him, he looks very amused "Why are you hiding under the table?"

"I was cleaning up a broken wine bottle." I look down expecting to see broken glass, but instead find nothing but a spotless floor. He lightly laughs and says, "You know do know the house will clean it up. I don't know why it didn't just do that to begin with." I will spend the rest of my life cleaning up broken glass if it means I could make Azriel laugh like that again. I don't know what's wrong with me; I must have reached a delirious level of sleepiness to even be thinking this way.

I look at the 3 boxes and now that I can actually see them, I immediately recognise the Day court insignia on the box. "This was your mission? To get me my tea? Please tell me Rhys didn't send you all the way to Day." I look up at him, confused and worried that I had accidentally caused him to go on this treacherous journey for something as miniscule as tea.

"It was more of a self-proclaimed mission. If it makes you feel better I could tell you that it wasn't about you and that maybe I want to try this Day court tea and see what makes it so special?" He says while going to the kitchen and grabbing two mugs. He said it so casually, like he didn't just go to a whole other court and scour for hours to get me the tea I preferred when he wasn't even the one I told this to in the first place. While he was on his way to do something nice for me, I accused him of being cold and rude, guilt immediately seeps into my gut.

How would I ever repay him? I had an idea of how to start. I went into the kitchen and started searching through the vegetable drawer and excavated some of the trifle. While he's pouring boiling water into the mugs, he looks up. " I know you said you didn't want any, but I didn't expect Cassian to leave any leftovers so I saved some in the one place he wouldn't look. You know just incase." Azriel just looks surprised, and then his gaze warms up and he looks genuinely touched at the gesture. His mouth turns up at the corners and he softly says, "Thank you. I appreciate this a lot. It's a bit late for me to properly enjoy, but I will definitely have some tomorrow." He points to the boxes of tea, "Now which one would you reccomend?"

I walk over right next to him and hand him the purple box. He opens it and takes two tea bags and puts them into the hot water. He gets out a mini tray and takes out a box from the cabinet and fills it with cookies. I notice that the logo on the box is the same as my bakery and everything starts to click in place. Suddenly I look to my wrist and notice that my little shadow bracelet is darting behind Azriel in fear. Busted.

He's putting the box away, when I look to him arms crossed and ask him. "Have you been spying on me?" He just turns and curtly says, "I spy on everyone in the family." Has it really been him the entire time? "The books, the blanket, the pastries. It was all you." He doesn't even try to look defensive as he hands me my mug and carries his own and the cookies over to the couch. "Yes it was." That's it? No information as to why or anything.

He sits on the couch, and I follow after him, he takes a bite of a chocolate cookie from the tray and sips his tea after. "Why?" I ask genuinely curious as to why he would go through such lengths, all while ignoring me. "For the same reason you saved me the trifle." He answers like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Touché." I say as I take a cookie from the tray. I take a sip of my tea and it tastes like home, it's everything that I wanted. The fire in the fireplace is beginning to die out, but we start talking anyways. He tells me his scars and his rough childhood, about his relationship with Rhys and Cassian and how he considers them to be his brothers not friends, he tells me about his role as spymaster and all that he has seen. In turn I tell him how Helion took me in after my parents died in the war fighting for Day, how I basically help run Day and how I miss it and am worried about it running smoothly in my absence, and feeling as if I don't have a life outside of my work. He tells me how he shares the feeling of loneliness, when everyone around you is so happy and redirects the conversation to something happier by telling me about how he holds the winning record in their yearly solstice snowball fight.

As night began to bleed into day and the fire was nothing more than ash and embers, my eyes started to flicker shut. He was in the middle of recounting how one year he had won by turning Cassian and Rhys against one another, until he was the last one standing and I could barely keep my eyes open. He just kept talking in his calm and steady voice, almost lulling me to sleep and I felt the shadow from my wrist leave. It came back almost a moment later with my new blanket. I was in a losing battle against sleep, trying to pay attention but I was already lying down covered in the warm heavy blanket. I couldn't even tell if I was awake or not and I didn't hear Azriel speaking anymore. All I know is I felt myself being picked up by strong arms and carried off. The last thing I remember is feeling a warm hand tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear and and hearing a comforting heartbeat, as I finally drifted off into the depths of sleep.

[youremyheaven]

Jupiter Dominant Women & Daddy Issues

TW: mentions of rape, abuse, suicide etc

Over the years of my studies, I have noticed that its Jupiter dominant women who tend to have daddy issues more than any other planetary dominance. Solar women (Uttarashada, Uttaraphalguni & Krittika) tend to benefit from positive male influence in their early life, so they have healthy Yang qualities (they're driven, self-motivated, critical thinking) whereas women who haven't had a healthy male influence in their early lives, either develop a heightened but fragile femininity (understood in a very traditional way, this means being passive and excessively reliant on others to get by, I know this is misogynistic but i am talking strictly about a traditional notion of femininity) or they cultivate inner masculinity.

Jupiter is a masculine planet and across the naks of Punarvasu, Vishaka and Purvabhadrapada, women tend to have a very unguarded, open, almost masculine presence. I mean this in terms of what they talk about or how self-assured they seem, traditionally women were expected to be more withdrawn or to talk little. I don't mean to say Jupiterian women are brash or aggressive, they're very poised, and elegant and put across their point eloquently. They're 9/10 times very well-spoken. When one lacks the security of a male figure early in life, one tends to cultivate inner masculinity because it's understood that you cannot rely on any man.

Caroline Polachek, Punarvasu Moon, has spoken about her difficult relationship with her father on numerous occasions. Here's a link to a post where she talks about it. Her lack of a father figure in her own words caused her to be "self-sufficient". Notice how in the post, she speaks about making amends with him later in life and even ended the post with "love you dad". This is the kind of generosity that you don't see from most other nakshatra types. To forgive someone who was never there for you/abused you/hurt you/caused you immense pain, requires a great deal of strength and maturity and not everybody has it. Punarvasu's innate nature is to absorb everything into its orbit and always be the bigger person. Due to the vast, abundant nature of Jupiter, they are ABLE to, accept these people for all their contradictions and see them as flawed, which makes it easier to forgive them. Most people let their traumas define their identity (im not saying traumas don't shape you, only about the kind of perception most people have about their own traumas) and spend their whole lives blaming others for who they've become or what they've done to them. To live a peaceful life, one has to take the high road, look beyond everything and see it as a part of life. It sounds very callous when I say it like that but that's what I mean. Not everyone is capable of being the bigger person or taking the high road.

Jupiter is the guru or teacher and how would one describe an ideal teacher? Someone who forgives the mistakes of their students as having risen out of immaturity and forgives them for not knowing better or being better. A teacher is forced to operate on a higher moral plane than others simply because chaos would descend if the teacher came down to the level of others. They are figures of wisdom, knowledge and higher learning, therefore their behaviour has to reflect the same. Jupiter natives are harshly punished for behaving in ways that are not fit for a "guru" because subconsciously society/those around them subject them to a different standard. Others can do the same exact thing and not suffer any consequences but when a Jupiter native behaves that way, they're ostracized. People kind of expect them to have it all together or be better. Any lapse on their part is judged harshly.

One of the biggest mysteries is how Jupiter natives emerge from often brutally abusive and neglectful childhoods into relatively well-adjusted adults. In the case of famous parent-child situations, there is public proof of their wrongdoing but in numerous other instances many do not believe Jupiter natives to have suffered the way they have or to the extent they have simply because on the outside they seem to have it all/seem so put together. This is yet another manifestation of Jupiter's duality and this not being believed/seen for who they are/how they've lived can be a source of pain/grief for some of these natives whilst others like to pretend it never happened and present a very positive view of their life. They don't hold grudges and often simply overlook the horrible nature of their loved ones, especially their parents and try to make amends with them.

Drew Barrymore, Punarvasu Moon, comes from a very famous family of actors but her father John Barrymore was a violent alcoholic and a drug addict who abandoned her & her mother when she was a child. She did not have any relationship with him and seldom spoke to him until he was diagnosed with cancer. She took care of him and even paid his medical bills until he passed away in 2004. Here's an IG post where she talks about her dad. It's so touching to see the compassion with which Punarvasu natives talk about people who've hurt them so much (in her memoir, Drew recalls how one time her father picked her up as a three-year-old and threw her against the wall). Truly, I don't see this level of kindness in any other nakshatra if I'm being honest. This is a photograph of her with Steven Spielberg who directed her in E.T when she was 7 years old, he's kind of a godfather figure to her and she apparently asked him to be her dad when she was a kid 🥺🥺

I also think Jupiter natives have a complicated relationship with their mothers as well, sometimes they're extremely close but other times, I think Jupiter natives feel the need to be their mother's saviour because they know how much she's gone through in her life. This manifests itself in a very complicated relationship. There is love but there is also a lot of bitterness.

Drew Barrymore has a very complicated relationship with her mother, who used to date the men Drew dated, pushed her into acting and exploited her as a child and admitted her to a psych ward when she was 12 among other things. Drew still takes care of her financially and has mentioned that her mother has even tried to steal money from her.

Charlotte Gainsbourg, Punarvasu Moon is the daughter of Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin. Her parents separated when she was a child and she lived with her father. In 1984, she did a duet with her father and starred in the music video for a song called Lemon Incest which describes an incestuous relationship between father & daughter. She was 12 years old at the time.

The music video is creepy, to say the least and features both of them half-naked in bed together. In 1986 when she was 14, she starred with her father in a movie called Charlotte For Ever which is about an alcoholic man whose only link to life is his daughter (Serge was an alcoholic). She has spoken about how difficult the filming experience was for her as he would push her to her extremes.

Here's a very uncomfortable clip of him kissing her on the mouth when she wins a Cesar. She is 16 years old.

Jane Birkin commented on the song saying "It never came as a shock or a surprise or even a worry [to her], knowing Serge's great love for Charlotte". Many believe that Birkin enabled Serge's abuse of their daughter since she left him due to his alcoholism and violence but left Charlotte in his care. She has also stated that her mother would always dress her up as a little boy when she was a child and that this complicated her relationship with her femininity.

Charlotte has only ever said good things about both her parents and denied any abuse.

She's also starred in multiple films directed by Lars Von Trier where she plays gruesome sexually depraved characters and Lars is well known for being difficult to work with. She has said that she sought fatherly approval from him ._. and again has only said good things about him.

Kali Uchis, Punarvasu Sun, Vishaka Moon & Rising has spoken about being abused as a child and that she no longer maintains contact with her family. She was kicked out of the house when she was 17 and slept in her car and worked at a supermarket for years to support herself.

Halsey, Punarvasu Moon. She grew up poor and has spoken about her difficult childhood, both she & her mother suffer from bipolar disorder and in her song Whispers she sings “Why do you need love so badly?/ Bet it's bеcause of her daddy." In the Armchair Expert podcast, she said that she has both "mommy and daddy issues".

Mariah Carey, Punarvasu Moon, has published a very revealing memoir about her life where she chronicles the abuse she experienced from her family. She had a moderately good relationship with her dad but was estranged from him as an adult. Her mother however continually exploited her for money.

Miley Cyrus, Vishaka Moon has a complicated relationship with both her parents. Currently, she's not on speaking terms with her father after he married a woman around Miley's age.

Beyonce, Vishaka Moon has been performing since she was a child and was in a girl group Destiny's Child which was managed by her father. She dropped him as her manager in 2011 and in the same year, his divorce from her mother was also finalized. He had apparently fathered a love child with another woman in 2009 and this was the reason for their divorce. Some speculate that they are now estranged but in typical Jupiter fashion, she has never bad-mouthed him in public. Jupiter natives do not air their dirty laundry in public ever. Their grace and dignity even in the face of extreme humiliation/shame/pressure is commendable.

Jennie, Vishaka Moon is very close to her mother but she's never mentioned her father in the 8 years since her debut. In the Blackpink documentary, she said that growing up it was just her and her mom. In this interview she spoke about living with her mother and how she never got a chance to spend much time at home as she was sent to boarding school at 8 years old. She remarks that she and her mom are like sisters but she's never said anything about her relationship with her dad, ever. I am not going to assume that they have a bad relationship but I thought it would be interesting to mention.

Demi Moore, Vishaka Sun

Moore was born to a 19-year-old mother and her biological father left before she was born. The actress' mom remarried a man who worsened her problems with alcohol, which led to violence and instability. The family moved many times throughout Moore's childhood and when she was 17, her stepfather committed suicide. In the early '80s, she embarked on her acting career and helped her mother stay in rehab throughout the years. In 1997, her mother was diagnosed with brain cancer and she reunited with her in the final months before her death.

Lily Collins, Purvabhadrapada Sun

Lily had a strained relationship with her dad growing up“Because my dad was often gone, I never wanted to do anything that would make him stay away even longer,” she wrote. “I became extra careful about what I said and how I said it, afraid he'd think I was angry or didn't love him"

She penned an open letter that said: "I forgive you for not being the dad I expected. But it's not too late”.

Alia Bhatt, Purvabhadrapada Sun has said that growing up she saw very little of her filmmaker father Mahesh Bhatt who is known in the media for being a very problematic figure. He once posed for a magazine cover in the 90s with his daughter Pooja Bhatt where they're kissing on the lips (Pooja is Alia's half-sister) and said that he would have married her if she weren't his daughter 🤮🤮Mahesh is known for being a very temperamental man (you'll be hard pressed to find a video of him not screaming) and it's quite well known that he and Alia's mother had a pretty rocky marriage that her mother could not leave as she was financially dependent on him. Her sister, Shaheen Bhatt has talked about struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies since she was a child.

Rekha, Purvabhadrapada Moon is the illegitimate child of actors Gemini Ganesan and Pushpavalli. Her father was already married to another woman when she was born. He refused to accept the paternity of Rekha and her sister Radha and she grew up in the same city that her father and his "legitimate" family lived in and attended the same school as her half-siblings where she occasionally saw glimpses of him dropping his other kids to school. She has stated that growing up she was called a "bastard" and that the only male figure in her life was "God". She made her debut as an actress when she was 13 against her wishes because her family had fallen on bad times and she had to work to support her 6 siblings and ill mother.

This interview of hers offers a glimpse into her early life. Regardless of what she's been through, Rekha has always been stoic and conducted herself with immense grace and dignity even when she received an award from her father who was never a part of her life. She said this in response:

“Why should I grieve for him when he’s so much part of me? Why should I grieve when I’m so grateful for his genes, his teachings, his rich life and his sheer existence? Grieve for what??!! I’m happy I didn’t have to share unpleasant moments with him. He existed for me in my imagination. And that’s so much more beautiful than reality. Everything I love is unqualified by worldly time constraints. I’m just a small link in the larger scheme of things. I’m not the first one to go through death, nor am I the first one to receive an award. I’m enjoying everything that comes my way…good bad or ugly. I try to make good use of what life’s experiences offer. I think I’ve done a good job of my life, whatever others may think.” 

The Jupiterean ability to always look at the bright side and forgive people who don't deserve your forgiveness is heart-breaking but enlightening at the same time.

Rita Hayworth, Purvabhadrapada Moon confided in her husband Orson Welles that she was sexually abused by her father as a child and had been repeatedly raped by him.

Elexus Jionde aka Intelexual Media, Punarvasu Moon has mentioned that she's estranged from her father.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Punarvasu Rising & stellium has spoken about being emotionally and physically abused by his parents especially his father who would beat him up. They also abused him because they thought he was gay due to his preoccupation with the male physique (he wanted to be a bodybuilder and would later become Mr World).

Keanu Reeves, Punarvasu Moon has been estranged from his father for the majority of his life. Charles Reeves abandoned the family when Keanu was 3 yrs old.

Kaia Gerber, Purvabhadrapada Moon has like most other Jupiter natives kept a low profile and seldom spoken about her personal life and has only ever said nice things about her parents. Her father Rande Gerber has been accused of sexual harassment by multiple women and there have been blind items about Cindy putting Kaia on a calorie deficit diet since she was a child to prepare her for a modelling career (this is awfully common among celebrities so I don't even think this is a stretch). When Kaia was 7 years old, her parents were threatened with a picture of her, barely clothed being gagged and bound. It was said that the picture was taken by a female babysitter during a game of cops and robbers because she wanted to prank the Gerbers by pretending to kidnap Kaia (sincerely, wtf) but there have been conspiracy theories that perhaps Kaia was abused by her parents and this picture was leaked from their collection. Anyway the matter has been settled and it feels wrong for me to speculate too much but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

Asia Argento, Purvabhadrapa Moon, is the daughter of filmmaker Dario Argento and has said that she never saw her father as a child and had no kind of relationship with him until she started acting in his movies when she was 16. She said "I never acted out of ambition; I acted to gain my father's attention. It took a long time for him to notice me. … And he only became my father when he was my director."

Her characters in his movies were undressed, raped and generally psychologically traumatised on screen. She once said:

"But I always had this feeling of never being a part of anything, not even of my family. My parents forgot about me. I did everything I could to get their attention."

Chyler Leigh, Vishaka Moon. Her parents divorced when she was 12, following which she was estranged from her father for many years. Her mother moved her to LA when she was a teenager so that she could pursue an acting career. At 15 years old she starred in a movie called Kickboxing Academy as her biological brother's love interest (he was 19). She is said to have been manipulated into doing so by her mother. She has said in a recent interview that she's been estranged from her mother for over 20 years and that like her mother, she too suffers from bipolar disorder. She said, "Because I was put in a position to support my mother, I didn't get the opportunity to speak about my own feelings when I was in my teens." She moved out of her mother's house to live with her then-boyfriend and now husband Nathan West.

Han So Hee, Vishaka Sun was in the news when her mother using her name to borrow bank loans and her debt became public news. Its very rare to hear about the private life of a celebrity in Korea but Sohee came forward to clear things and said her parents divorced when she was 5 following which she was raised by her maternal grandmother with whom she lived until she was in highschool. She's estranged from both her parents and only realized that her mother had been in debt after she turned 18. She found out that her mother had been borrowing money under her name illegally ever since she was a minor. She paid off this debt and apologized to everybody concerned.

IU, Purvabhadrapada Moon grew up in poverty. Her family fell into debt and she was raised by her grandmother who could barely take care of her and her brother. She saw little of her parents growing up. Its unclear how close they are now.

I realize just how many of them are nepo babies lol but I'm kinda glad because it means so much of their life is on public record. Its really unfortunate to see that so many of these natives had absent fathers or fathers who were present in their lives and very abusive.

[amphibious-thing]

In Short What is Now Termed a Maccaroni Dishabille

Perhaps one of the most interesting parts of John Gilbert McCurdy's book Vicious and Immoral was the way in which the men of the 18th regiment cited Newbugh's clothing as evidence of ungentlemanlike behaviour.

I'll start with a brief summary for those who haven't read the book (tho I highly recommend reading it). Robert Newburgh was the chaplain for the 18th Royal Irish Regiment of the British Army that was stationed in America. Rumours that Newburgh was a buggerer reached America before Newburgh himself did. Things only got worse for Newburgh form there, leading him to persuade Private Robert Jeff to formally accuse him of buggery. See Newburgh knew they did not have enough to convict him of buggery and hoped a court-martial would clear his name.

On Monday the 8th of August 1774 the general court-martial of Reverend Robert Newburgh began. Newburgh stood accused of "Vicious and Immorral Behaviour" which broke down into six charges: perjury, prevarication, falsehood, "Scandalous and Indecent acts," conduct "Derogatory from the Sacred Character, with which he is Invested," and having treated his commanding officer "in a Disrespectful manner." He was notably not charged with buggery as there was "only circumstantial and Hearsay evidence" and yet the prosecution continued to insinuate that Newburgh was a buggerer. (p166)

They could not prove that Newburgh was guilty of buggery as such a conviction would require proof of the act itself. Instead they chose to prosecute him for ungentlemanlike behaviour. As part of this charge the prosecution introduced evidence of Newburgh's effeminate clothing. Captain Benjamin Chapman testified:

that part of his Dress on that occasion, as nearly as he Can recollect was a Close Light Coloured Surtout, with a Scarlet or Crimson falling Collar, with a round Buck Hatt, perfectly in the Stile of a Groom; that at other times he has seen him in the Barracks and streets at Philadelphia in a Dress that had not the Least resemblance to that usualy worn by a Clergyman, one Dress that he has seen him in, as nearly as he Can recollect, is a Light Coloured frock made of Bath coating, Close Buck or Lambskin Breeches, white Silk Stockings and a Smart Fashionable Cocked Hatt, in short what is now termed a Maccaroni Dishabille. (p199)

When the prosecution questioned Thomas Batt whether he has seen "Mr. Newburgh's appearing in a Dress unbecoming a Clergyman?" Batt replied that "He has hardly seen him in any other Coat than a Light Coloured one." Asked if he had heard officers express "Surprize at Mr. Newburgh's manner and Style of Dress," Batt replied, "Frequently." (p203)

When it came time for the defense's case Newburgh questioned his friend Nicholas Trist about his clothing:

Q. As he has seen Mr. Newburgh almost every Day Did he ever See him in what might be called a fashionable Morning Maccaroni Dishabelle? A. He cant say what they call a macerouney Disabill he never saw him Drest in any manner, but what he has seen other Clergyman.

Trist testified that he had seen Newburgh in "a Graish Bath coat, Bound with Black, and Black Buttons," and a "half Mourning coat, with Black buttons" and that he had seen "many a Clergyman Drest in the Same manner." (p215)

Newburgh's servant William Osborne was asked whether Newburgh owned "any coat, either Body or Surtout, with a Crimson Collar?" to which Osborne relied "No". (p218)

During his questioning of defense witnesses Newburgh attempted to refute claims that he dressed like a maccaroni, down to the specifics of the colour of his collar. However in his closing arguments he instead pointed out the ridiculousness of the situation:

First I am Charged with a capital Crime, thence the Gentleman descends to perjury, thence to Prevarication, thence to simple Faleshood, thence to giving Rum Toddy to some thirsty Soldiers, thence to uncivil Language, thence to wearing a red Collar on a borrowed Coat, thence to leather Breeches and so quite away down to white Stockings. (p234)

Unable to prosecute Newburgh for buggery they had tried to prosecute him for the crime of wearing white stockings, which was of course not a crime at all.

The court found Newburgh guilty of falsehood and "impropriety in his conduct" for being "unguarded in his expressions" before soldiers. However in regards to the remaining charges the court found them "ill founded, and some of them frivolous accusations." (p245)

While wearing white stockings or even a "Light Coloured Surtout, with a Scarlet or Crimson falling Collar" was indeed not illegal, even for a chaplain, the prosecution brought this into evidence in hopes of undermining Newburgh's character.

The association between fashion and sodomy was well established by August 1774. The prosecution did not have to spell out the implication. It's unusual to see this sort of character evidence enter into trial presumably due to it being unreliable. In at least one sodomy case a character witness for the defense testified that the accused "never behaved with any effeminacy". However this testimony was clearly not convincing as the man was sentenced to death. (Trial of William Bailey, 21 October 1761)

While effeminate dress may not have been strong evidence for courts in the 1780's the Parisian police would profile suspected sodomites based on their clothing. Commissioner Pierre Louis Foucault and inspector Louis Henri Noël identified what they called the “pederastical uniform”*, which generally included “some combination of frock coat, large tie, round hat, small chignon, and bows on the shoes.”

*In the 18th century “pederasty” was used synonymously with “buggery” and did not denote age simply sex. An Universal Etymological English Dictionary (1726) defines “A pederast” as “a Buggerer” and “Pederasty” as “Buggery”.

The Parisian police sent out "pederastry patrols" to arrest suspected sodomites. Reports explicitly reference the suspected sodomites clothing. A gilder Coré was "attired in such a way as to be recognized by everyone as a pederast", a hairdresser Calman was "clothed with all the distinctive marks of pederasty" and the unemployed Joubert was "dressed like a pederast".

Of course it was not illegal to dress "like a pederast" and one man when questioned about his outfit simply responded that everyone "dresses as he sees fit". (Commissioner Foucault, Inspector Noël, and the "Pederasts" of Paris, 1780-3 by Jeffrey Merrick)

A man could not be convicted on his stockings alone but he sure could be suspected of sodomy based on the way he dressed.

[deadandphilgames]

A note from Daniel (new epilogue from You Will Get Through This Night)

Thank you for reading This Night. Writing this book in 2021, while sitting locked down in a lightless basement apartment for months, had a certain self-fulfilling irony that was not lost on me.

In many ways, I wrote this book for not only my past self that I wish could have known these things when I needed them most - but for the guy sitting in an incredibly uncomfortable, hunched, t-rex-esque position typing, that needed it right then. Like many of you, I thought those particularly fun couple of years were a temporary inconvenience, that I wouldn't have to age the book by diving into. And here we are. I hope you enjoyed that new chapter about resilience and whatever the hell a 'polycrisis' is. Turns out certain global events do have an additional effect on our mental health - it's understandable that you may try to power through it and pretend it never happened, but we all deserve to take whatever time we need to honestly process how life makes us feel. I hope you're doing alright. My journey of reflecting honestly on my own life experiences and lifestyle while writing was …like spontaneously punching yourself in the stomach. "Wow. I really live like this? That is apparently not conducive to a healthy mind. Oops. Guess I'll go touch some grass." I'm happy if that made this a more entertaining read occasionally.

Even now, I find myself continually re-reading the book in those small moments of first emotional reaction to situations where I now at least think "Wait - what was I supposed to do here? Right. Not catastrophise." If this is you - that is fine. You are not expected to perfectly memorise this book or retain all knowledge you hear in life. I know I don't. If you're ever sat next to me in the emergency exit aisle of a plane, know that you may be required to physically throw me out of the door in order to inflate the slide because I was busy during the briefing, imagining how my life would have been different if I actually had the nerve to dye my hair black that time in school. I am at peace with that.

It was honestly terrifying for me to try and mine the content of my life to try and actually illustrate advice for people that may really need it …for me to honestly look at the balance between joking about my mental health, and really getting real. Hey - if your attempt at opening up via some humour comes out a bit offensive, you still get points for at least putting it on the table. That's progress.

This is not a book about me. I am here just as an example of terrible behaviour that you have permission to have an inappropriate public transport snort at, and as a writer who has repeatedly not finished traditional 'self-help' or scientific study books for being dry, unrelatable and preachy. I just hope you found this moist, identifiable and accepting of all of your beautiful flaws. So many flaws. I often worried if any of the material was maybe obvious, or something you could stumble across on the second page of Google - then I had a small moment of honesty with myself contemplating my own ignorance, commitment to procrastination, attention span …and the fact that factually just 0.63% of all people searching online, ever bother clicking to the second page of results. If you already knew some of this, good for you. Honestly. You must literally be happy with yourself. I'm just looking in the mirror and trying to do something for the 99.37% of humanity that spend their lives never successfully researching how to not lay awake at night fantasising about their doom. Look forward to the upcoming pocket size book of 'offensively self-destructive jokes' by Dan - or 700-page memoir of my yet un-girthy, mostly unremarkable life so far if that's what you're really looking for.

Perhaps the most terrifying result of releasing this book into the world, has been coming face to face with those of you that have read it. For in these moments, all of my protective self-deprecating persona comes crashing down in an instant when someone says this book made them feel better. Hearing that this book was the first time they finished anything tangentially related to self-improvement, or that just one thing they read was a new perspective on a part of their life they needed, makes me feel my mission in life is already complete. Seeing it be recommended by bookstores amongst all the other choices, hearing that people have shared it with their therapists or had it suggested to them by a professional, is an unbelievable seal of approval that I appreciate. I am so inarticulably grateful to have been given the opportunity to do anything that could make your life easier, more peaceful, more enjoyable. I've met people who annotated this book with post-its, told me they listen to audiobook exercises on their commute - and even a few people that have had illustrations tattooed onto them as a symbolic reminder of a message.

All of this puts that year of typing like some kind of infinite monkey at a typewriter into perspective. I'd do it all again. Mostly. It has been the greatest privilege of my life to be the guy whose name is printed on this book, and I just hope that reading it helped you, as much as writing it helped me.

Love and good luck.

- Dan

[happyk44]

Thinking about Percy who ties his personhood and identity/sense of self to the relationships he has (Sally's son, Grover's bestie, Annabeth's boyfriend) because it's easy and aligning himself to them provides a clear picture of who he's supposed to be. But often where he ends up short with this is in his concept of Nico's protector, because it's not mutual. At least not in his perception of it. Aside from the beginning of TTC, Nico does not see Percy as his defender the way Percy does.

On one hand, it provides a relief because it gives him space and leeway to develop a relationship with Nico outside of preconceived notions, but on the other hand, it denies him the framework he's used to having for developing relationships with other people. Nico sees himself on more equal footing with Percy, and while Percy would never deny Nico his strength and power, his capabilities are often ignored in order for Percy to showcase himself in the role of Nico's protector. I can see this kind of dynamic providing a stressor for both of them. Nico doesn't want to be denied his agency and will get frustrated with Percy for assuming less of him, where Percy will get frustrated with Nico for not stepping back and keeping himself safe the way he thinks Nico should.

Nico is more informed in certain situations than Percy, especially when coming across mythical figures. So while Percy would be content to listen to him and allow him to present a strategy, I think he'd become agitated at the idea of Nico being a participant in that strategy. To which Nico would become agitated at Percy's dismissal of him. He would see this as Percy not trusting him, where Percy would see his refusal to stay in the background as a direct defiance to Percy's assumed role in his life.

When it comes to Percy tying his sense of self to the people he cares about, he doesn't tend to notice he's doing it. Sort of seeing himself in the framework of "Who am I? Oh, I'm Sally Jackson's son" versus "Who am I? Im Percy Jackson". It's not odd or abnormal to him, so he can't see it, and thereby he's not able to verbalize or explain his behaviour with Nico in a satisfactory manner.

Not to mention, I think Nico calling him out on his behaviour is a stressor in and of itself, so his mood spikes and instead of trying to analyze why he's acting like this or focus on Nico's words, he just doubles down on it instead and/or splits. And then they fight and argue and Percy just thinks "this fucking little shit" the whole time, annoyed and pissed with Nico. Then, when Percy settles down by himself a few hours later, he's suddenly swamped with intense depression and misery for failing Nico over and over again.

Despite this, he still can't analyze himself. He just sees himself as a failure undeserving of being someone's protector, much less Nico's. He notices the intensity of his emotions, notices the sudden shift in mood, but it's so normal to him and so overwhelming, he can't wonder about the why. Not to mention, wondering about the why requires introspection that Percy despises because looking inwards just shows he doesn't really know the answer to "who am I?" He's Percy Jackson, sure. Sally Jackson's son, Grover Underwood's best friend, Annabeth Chase's boyfriend. Two time saviour of the world. Child of the ocean.

But who the fuck is he outside of other people?

Who he is when he's alone?

[kalikalahansa]

Are there any differences between just wearing diapers full-time and actively untraining?

A follower sent me this question in an ask recently. I didn't feel like I could answer it comprehensively without derailing the ask. I'm answering it here instead.

The answer is: Yes, but actually no (but ...)

In humans, and in many other species, the body system which controls the voiding of bodily waste is adapted such that it is under voluntary control. However, the means by which that control is maintained require it to be maintained through use. If it isn't used, it erodes.

Untrainers actively target this, by actively refusing to use their control and by adopting strategies which will allow their body to void with minimal physiological effort. People who want to wear and use their diapers 24/7 (henceforth "24/7ers") obviously don't actively seek to lose their control. However, using diapers 24/7 means they will increasingly generally be in a situation where not using their control is a convincingly better choice and/or using it is convincingly worse.

Here's a hypothetical. It's based heavily on my experience but is not a direct factual account; it's also heavily simplified because I'd have to either do anonymisation or worldbuilding otherwise and I'm not going to do either of those things.

Say you're a college student. You have a very predictable college administration, and because of that, four days a week, you have:

a 9–11 AM lecture

an 11 AM–12 PM interval

a 12–2 PM tutorial, with no break in the middle

You have a chance to snack, hydrate, and get a coffee in the interval. As a result, you consistently have the problem of realising, about 30 minutes into your 12 PM tute, that you need to pee.

This is a problem. See, in most places, excusing yourself to pee is a neutral act, but in college, there is an expectation that you'll stay in the room unless you absolutely have to leave. Not usually an overwhelming one, but present in the same way that getting up constantly to pee at a movie theatre is somewhat more frowned upon than doing so while watching the same movie at home.

So, what do you do? Well, if you're continent, or at least wearing underwear, the answer you're pressured toward under those circumstances is just holding it for the remaining 90 minutes. Sure, it might be annoying, but if you have normal continence it's not likely to be so distracting that you can't willpower through it. If you're wearing diapers and have decided to use them, however, none of this logic applies. Short of any other intervening factors too complex and individual to be listed here, if you feel the need to pee 30 minutes in, there's no reason not to pee 30 minutes in.

The effect of this is obvious: that's 90 minutes you're not exercising your control when you otherwise would have. That's not much, but you can never have just one potato chip, as the saying goes. For instance, you also realise that you've been feeling the need to pee about 30 minutes into your morning lecture. You haven't really been thinking about it because that one does have a break at 55 minutes and it's a lot easier to wait until then. But why wait?

And so this continues. This hypothetical person is based on me so it would probably be pretty reasonable to nominally divide their day into 3 blocks of 8 hours each:

college and related things (studying on-site, commuting, etc.)

home and related things (work, study at home, free time, etc.)

sleep

(No, I did not get anywhere near that much sleep; yes, the non-college-time block was a lot bigger than that for me.)

Out of your college and related things block, when you level out you're probably holding it for maybe 50% of the time you were before, on average. So you're effectively holding for at least 4 hours fewer out of 24 per day, 4 days a week: –16 hours out of 168 per week, total.

Still not a lot, but it builds up. For instance, I think at this point we can safely assume you're still dry at night and your continence behaviour during sleep is the same as it was before you started wearing full-time. But most people at least initially find it easier to start using their diapers at home and in other familiar places, where nobody has any reason to watch them. So at home the amount of time you were holding it had already been maybe half what it would have been before. Another 4 hours' worth of non-use of control, 4 days a week, making –16/168 h/w, for a total of –32/168 h/w.

On the 3 days a week you're not at college, we can safely move the 8 hours a week that would have gone to "college and related things" into "home and related things", the block during which you're only holding for about half as long as you were anyway. So that's 16 hours total, so that's 8 hours fewer of control on each of those 3 days; 8 × 3 = 24, making a total of –(32 + 24)/168 = –56/168 h/w.

But wait! All that practice you're getting wetting your diapers at college, where you're nervous about it, is helping tremendously with wetting your diapers at home and other places where you're more comfortable. So suddenly instead of holding for 50% of the original length of time at home you're holding for 25%. Then 10%. So now that 8 hours of control not being used is 14 hours 24 minutes (× 3 days a week) and now it's –75.2/168 h/w. And it continues to add up.

And of course you can respond to this by saying, well, I want to wear diapers 24/7 but I know I don't want to lose my bladder control, so I'll simply pee at the same time I normally would have. Which makes perfect sense, but also, that's an abstract long-term commitment, and it's now competing with things like the visceral discomfort of needing to pee increasingly for 90 minutes, when you know you don't have to be experiencing that discomfort. You have to really care about the thing you're committed to for it to serve as the bulwark of your self-discipline in that kind of situation. And even then, there are probably going to be days when you're going to give in, because the machine didn't have mocha iced coffee today, it only had double espresso, and now your eyeballs are swimming.

And you can say, well, I'm not going to need to avoid peeing for 90 minutes, because I will simply do other things, like not have water and coffee directly before my two hour tutorial with no break. To which my answer is, sure. Water is necessary for brain function, caffeine is addictive. Yes, it's plausible that you'll give up one of those, but the path of least resistance is the one where you wet your diapers because it's the one where you get everything you want (staying in the lectures, wearing diapers, using diapers, drinking coffee, drinking water).

And all this discussion of self-discipline and paths-of-least-resistance is ignoring the positive disincentives against using your control. For example: When we pee in a toilet, we tend to release it all at once and as quickly as possible. In most diapers, that's not advisable. The superabsorbent polymer can't absorb that much liquid that fast; the inside of the diaper will flood and leak.

Diapers obviously can absorb a lot of liquid given enough time, so the first thing to address is flow rate. Flow rate is determined by volume (that is, if there's more pee you need to void, you will pee faster). Therefore, the way to pee at a lower flow rate is to pee when there's less pee in your bladder. The kidneys produce urine at a rate which is strongly predicted by your diet and medical conditions, so if those are relatively stable then your urine output will be too. In that case, the most effective way to pee when there's less pee in your bladder is to pee frequently. In short, diapers literally discourage you from holding your pee and encourage you to pee as close as possible to when you feel the urge.

And then, of course, there's the fact that the map is not the territory, and the view from the top of a mountain differs from the view from the bottom of the adjoining valley. Decisions about maintaining continence and responding to continence failures that are made prior to going into diapers 24/7 are made in one context. Decisions about the same matter that are made well into the process, when the things in question are or might be actually happening, are made in another context entirely. And there are obviously factors other than immediate short-term discomfort or utility that dictate what choices someone makes.

Wearing full-time isn't the same as untraining. But it makes not untraining a lot harder than it was before wearing full-time.

[55sturn]

i haven’t spoken about the situation with @sturniololuv08 [ can’t tag bc she has been blocked ] yet due to me being at work, but i’ve caught up with everything since and i just want to say i am disgusted.

first and foremost, my heart goes out to the victims that have been deeply hurt and impacted by this person’s actions. whether the victims that have been triggered, re-triggered, groomed, and/or forced to relieve their own worst nightmare and experiences.

CNC, otherwise known as CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT, is a tricky subject to write about, regardless of anything. you are toeing the line between indulging in a rape-esque fantasy and indulging in something that requires a lot of discussion and trust before anything is even attempted. now i’m not going to kink-shame someone if properly done CNC is what they’re into, but when you’re portraying it as a sexual act is being performed without any prior talking about consent nor is consent actually given beforehand, you are writing a rape scene. there’s no other way to put it.

a sexual act cannot start before consent is given, at least not legally or morally. to write it and have one person give consent half way through the act, is not okay. the fact that you have written a real person committing a crime that is not taken seriously enough, as if it was nothing, shows the kind of person you are. the very scene you have written is a very serious, very vile, and very real experience for most women and men. this is not okay.

i understand having darker and more taboo sexual interests, but rape or rape-play should never be one.

as for texting minors privately, that in itself isn’t weird to a degree, but your intent was very clearly weird. you went in with the intention of flirting with one, and continuously asked minors personal questions about their sex lives at the age of twenty eight. that is creepy, weird, and wrong. and especially as a mother of what i’m assuming is a younger child, you should never think of or look at a minor as your next partner. you need to remove yourself from the internet and get serious help because you’re a disgusting human being.

and once again, my heart goes out to those that have been deeply affected by her behaviour. you did not deserve to suffer through that.

[offtotheiceberg]

Chapter 431, what have u done? Part 4

Spoilers

4) I’m sorry for everything I’ve done up until now.

Okayyy let’s get started.

Katsuki x Izuku is one of the most popular ships in mha. Whether you like it, hate it, or reject shipping culture entirely, their relationship (however you see it) is one of the main pillars of the story. I will say that I like them together, I think they make sense and their history is compelling, and I love writing them, but pls don’t disregard everything I’m saying just because of that.

First of all, hot take, but bkdk would never EVER have been canon. Shonen (particularly popular shonen) doesn’t do queer couples, at least not obviously. Notice, that’s not what many fans are concerned about. I’m going to try and unpack it as best as I can.

Izuku attempting to save Katsuki from the sludge villain was the reason All Might gave him his power. You cannot spin this any other way. If Izuku hadn’t run into that fight, he would still be quirkless. One one end, I don’t think it mattered who was in that villain’s grasp - I think Izuku still would have gone if it was someone random from school, but on Katsuki’s end, it mattered that it was Deku. In some ways, they were both catalysts to the other’s Hero journey.

Second, Izuku progress and All Might’s downfall were two of the main influences that broke down Katsuki’s superiority complex (plus realising that he wasn’t the strongest in the class, and he too needed to be saved). This break down allowed to two of them to be “proper rivals” which is a direct quote from the manga. Win to save and save to win are two halves of All Might’s ideology, and that is NOT a coincidence. In many ways, they’re supposed to be foils that build each other up. Even if you hate it, you can’t deny that they’re significant influences on each other in their hero journey.

(tw here, brief discussion of suicide)

Now, the atonement. THIS is where the hypocrisy comes out to play. What Katsuki did to Izuku in middle school cannot and should not be taken lightly. Aside from the bullying, telling someone to kill themselves is not okay. But, and it’s a big but, YOU CAN AND SHOULD MAKE UP FOR YOUR MISTAKES. This is not systematic, malicious abuse, like we saw with Endeavour (who never gets to fully atone, rightfully so that is a different situation) these are the actions of a 14 year old kid. Katsuki was cruel to Izuku, I am not trying to deny that. HOWEVER, in real life, people are not held to the horrible shit they say when they’re 14. Come on, this is obvious. Atonement requires two things: an apology, and a change of behaviour. Katsuki does both of these things. However atonement in literature, or in “not real life” or whatever, is slightly different. It ALSO requires the relationship between those two characters to be affected in some way, and this relationship change is what clues us as the audience in to whether this atonement has been successful. Take Endeavour, for example the way we as the viewer see that he has not fully atoned is via Natsuo, the son who didn’t forgive, and Shoto’s hesitance to. We get taught this as writing students, I’m not pulling this out of my ass.

The bare minimum to fulfil the message that people can atone for their past mistakes is a resolution to Katsuki and Izuku’s relationship that fulfils the arcs set up for them. Just a reminder, these arcs are: twin stars, rivals, “win to save, save to win”, “I will surpass you” otherwise known as catching up to each other, and both of them wanting to be the best Heroes in the world.

The soundest, most logical way to finish these arcs is the two of them becoming a Hero Duo. The second most is them working together, which is what Katsuki offered Izuku in the last chapter. THIS IS NOT AN ADMISSION OF ROMANCE, FFS. It’s good character development!!! You can have Izuku working sith Katsuki AND have a satisfying Izuocha romance in the same universe, they are not mutually exclusive!!! I can’t believe I needed to say that???? Be an izuocha shipper and ACKNOWLEDGE THE FUCKING STORYLINE. Please don’t make this into a petty ‘them vs me’ narrative, there was already enough of that shit with the US election.

Them going their seperate ways might even have been a satisfying ending if it had been written better, but it wasn’t. There was no evidence of that for 430 chapters. Their growth, particularly Katsuki’s was irrevocably tied to the other. Again, some of the most nonsensical writing I’ve ever seen. What it implies, whether intended or not, is that atonement is a falsity and no matter what, Katsuki and Izuku’s relationship is forever scarred by what happened when they were kids, even though the final battles in the war have evidence to the contrary. This is NOT a positive message. For more analysis of Izuku’s decision to not be a Pro Hero, pls see part 1.

Come back for Part 5 (conclusion)

[zmayadw]

|| Moonvale Eric and Charlie Headcanons ||

A/N: Okie, so I've never done HCs before, but I guess there's a first time for everything, right? 😅 So don't be too harsh on me, and I hope you might find this somewhat likeable! 💚

Also, just wanted to mention that these HCs are based solely on my impression from Moonvale's episode one!

ERIC:

If you need help with anything, Eric is your go-to guy! Be it some small nuisance or a big pain-in-the-ass problem, he will never say no to his friends.

Even if you call him at 2 am, he won't have a problem to jump into his car to pick you up from anywhere, with no need for some detailed explanations!

Eric is fun and easy to talk to guy, too, so hanging out with him is definitely not going to end up in disappointment.

He is always polite and kind, but he does not hesitate to show his firmness!

He can be pretty stubborn and closed to suggestions at times, but he also doesn't shy away from admitting of being wrong.

Although he is good at problem solving, Eric is somewhat...clumsy. And that kinda makes him even more adorable. 🤭

And let's be honest here, he's pretty easy on the eyes, too! 😏😉

CHARLIE:

Charlie is the goofball of the gang. If there is a prank being done at someone, you can bet it was Charlie who initiated it!

Also, because of his goofy nature, he is the one who always tries to mend any kind of tensions and/or conflicts between the others (even more if he might be the reason for that).

But don't let that kind of behaviour mislead you - after all, the coin has two sides, right? Well, so does Charlie!

Although he may appear to or act recklessly most of the time, he's intentions are always pure and good-hearted.

And even if it seems very unlikely, he can act very mature if the situation requires so.

Chalrie likes to talk a lot, and I mean A LOT! He very often speaks before thinking, which gets him chastised a lot, but he never takes it to his heart.

All in all, Charlie is a good friend, the kind that is always there for you, and will always give his all to make you feel better and put a smile back on your face.

[sandutita]

i debated whether or not i should make this post since i doubt anyone would even read it or care, but i think i gotta get this off my chest either way.

the absurdity of baldi's basics overwhelms me. it's popularity is so much more massive than i can comprehend. i just imagine this small indie developer who releases a game they made and cannot at all anticipate the magnitude of its upcoming popularity. the difference between one person and millions of them is too much for my brain to comprehend. maybe envy has a bit to do with these feelings of mine. i feel like whether or not your project gets recognition requires 50% skill and 50% luck; luck that people will notice and your stuff will get picked up by the algorithm overlord.

i've been drawing some baldi fanart during these past 4 weeks (and i've also been working on a baldi animation, but that's a whole other thing), but i wouldn't really call myself a BB fan? i've never even played any of the games (i'm REEEALLY pussy when it comes to horror games, even if BB isn't that scary, not nearly as scary as FNAF), literally my only exposure to it is as follows: all of markiplier's baldi gaming videos, the living tombstone's "basics of behaviour" songs (both red and blue versions), axie's "that's what i do" song, and some re-animated versions of those songs. and some shit i've seen on tumblr, too. that's literally it.

so i'm not very educated on the baldi lore at all. i did some browsing of the baldi wiki the other day and HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT THERE'S SO MUCH SHIT. so many different characters, so much bullshit, i can't even begin to understand any of it. it makes me wonder why markiplier didn't play any of the other games, why he only played the first game, the field trip game and baldi's basics plus (excluding the fan-made games). maybe he got sick of it? i dunno but i blame him for my ignorance, he should've played all of the games so i could know more baldi lore /s

there's this constant nagging voice in the back of my head saying that because i don't know enough baldi lore that i shouldn't even be making art or animations about baldi. it's a feeling i've struggled with to some extent every time i've gone through a fanart phase of some sort like this. but i fight back by thinking to myself: "i don't need to know everything about the lore because the concept of baldi and his schoolhouse alone have inspired me to create my own version of baldi's basics, something that i can mold and shape to my own liking", which i have been doing! i want to bring a different side to this, something dark and bleak, a tragic situation caused by extortion and mental instability, causing the deaths of several children. or something.

i'm not even thinking about it too much. i've realized that i always overthink things and end up not going through with my plans because i drag it on for too long, so now i am going to try to not worry too much about everything making sense, and just make the art that i want to make. no procrastination, no overthinking, just making.

i love my pathetic bald man, wearing his green sweater and holding onto his ruler for dear life like he's gonna die if he drops it. i love his blatant disregard for the safety of his pupils, i love the murderous look in his eyes and the hatred and fear in his heart. i also love it when he looks confused, but i already mentioned that in my art blog. go check out my art blog!!

[daisypreaker]

not the same anon, but i was actually ok with brothel scene?

aemond's clearly obsessed with never looking weak, he doesn't feel like he can be weak in front of his family - even his mom. alicent can't offer emotional support to her children (maybe a little to helaena), so they find it elsewhere.

aemond prob view this woman as "beneath him", someone he can use and vent to because what is she gonna do? it doesn't matter if she sees him being weak because she's inconsequential in his world.

aegon and aemond are sooooo affection starved. they do feel, they need to feel loved. they need comfort but lack the emotional intelligence to reach out and form those connections.

It was honestly very tame. I was expecting Homelander level of build up and pay off, but there are good shows and then there's...HOTD. Besides, the fandom is already flustered over this little scene, which for a canon stuffed with incest and non-con and dub-con and gore and violence, a large number of its fans have surprisingly surface-level intelligence/empathy. I do think darker topics require more of both these traits to be consumed well but the show itself chooses not to go full on with them so I'm not surprised the fandom is wrapped in cotton wool and spoon fed like a baby.

And I totally agree with your view on the madame. I am not a fan of terming her his "abuser" the way some people have been doing. Using words frivolously makes them lose all meaning and impact.

In what sense is she an abuser exactly? In the sense that you feel protective over Aemond, and this middle-aged woman is not young or attractive enough to be a satisfying self-insert? And I won't be told this isn't the case with some fans, because some of them definitely have on horse blinkers.

Logically, she is not an abuser. She looked to me like she didn't even want to be there and was disengaged from him mentally/emotionally. He very clearly told her not here and was in control of the situation, suggesting the experience is meticulously tailored to his wants and needs. The last time they met when he was thirteen, sure it's gross that a boy that young is going through something like that, but guess who brought him there? Aegon. The madame turning down the patronage of a royal prince would make her insane if you go by in-world logic. Royal patronage attracts more customers and more money for her girls. It's common sense. Do you know where her real priority was? Getting him to be aware of the smallfolk the next time he loses his temper and does something stupid (since he's already done one stupid thing).

If anything, Aegon might be termed the abuser and the madame was the tool he used, but even then, he was also taught that this behaviour was okay because someone took him to a brothel at 13. Just because he accepted and conformed to this way of living, doesn't mean it wasn't wrong that he went through it too.

Anyway, tip of the iceberg, but there you see - spoon feeding all this context to an audience that is largely unequipped to dive deeper into uncomfortable topics in the span of an hour is impossible.

[joannerowling]

Going anon for this because this is a very unpopular opinion in the radfem community and I don't want to get cancelled, but I agree that JKR could only have supported Depp if she truly believed he never abused a woman.

I...agree with her.

Having seen that trial I do not believe Heard was abused in the ways she claimed. However, I do believe the treatment towards Heard was terrible because male abusers who have done far worse do not get anywhere near that, but nobody gets violently raped by a broken bottle and requires no medical attention. She never did have any evidence proving abuse and her behaviour in the trial as well as before and after it and the recordings they had confirm he never abused her. I mean, she submitted a literal diagram from a medical textbook as evidence of her broken nose. People cite the UK trial but neither Depp nor Heard could submit any evidence there and Heard, being a third party, wasn't even required to. The case was against the Sun with the judge being related to the newspaper company and Heard's word was all they needed for the Sun to win that case.

As a DV victim myself she comes off as the abuser not only towards Depp but basically everyone in her life, including her sister who's financially dependent on her. Still, Depp has said nasty things about Heard and his fans are definitely misogynistic towards her, using this ONE case to justify hating and abusing women. Heard is a very troubled women with a history of abuse and she has hurt women far more than men. She was also arrested for abusing her ex-wife Tasya van Ree and her PR team released a false statement on Tasya's behalf defending Heard even though Tasya is friends with one of the women who testified against Heard, but I don't see anyone wanting justice for Tasya van Ree? Multiple witnesses have confirmed she has abused and maybe continues to abuse her sister, but nobody wants justice for her. Is it because they're not famous or they're women?

Either way, the women in Heard's life would be far more in danger than Depp ever was and I do not think it's Feminist to support her when she's hurt other women. She also has a young daughter I am afraid for. It's no wonder JKR doesn't support her because as a DV victim, she would recognise the abuse patterns in Heard. I just wish her female victims were given more attention instead of Depp who is a middle aged drug addicted man who always had the resources and the strength to protect himself. Whenever Heard would get violent towards him, he would go hide in his bathroom or go to some other apartment of his, but could Tasya van Ree do that? Could Whitney Heard? Would Oona Heard be able to do that if her mum decides to abuse her (if she hasn't already)?

I've decided to publish this because you spoke about being a victim of domestic violence yourself, and i needed to tell you that i'm sorry you had to suffer that. Whoever it was, i hope you are free and safe from them.

Immediate warning, this will be the ONLY Depp/Heard related ask i will publish. I do not want the drama that's going to inevitably follow, so i'll answer this once, and even if the next ask says something like "i'm also a DV victim and i think that anon was full of shit" assume i'm equally sorry for you but do not wait for me to respond because i won't.

To go back to you anon. As i said, i'm very sorry, and what i'm going to say i say in the hope that you won't find me condescending or hypocritical, but i have to say it. I think the amount of details you've put into this ask shows you're more invested in the topic than is healthy, and it colours your judgement. I don't know you but just with this ask i can tell you were in too deep girl. You don't know these people. And with the amount of shit that was put online on this topic, how can you reasonably trust that you're not deceived by either side?

What i'm saying is when a situation's very messy it's okay to a) examine whether this one topic is really that vital that it requires you to become an expert in it and figure out the truth at all cost even if you factually won't ever have all the details necessary to actually find out; b) once you've established you really can't live without having an opinion on this issue, step back, try not to get spiralled into examining all the details, but instead look at the situation from afar.

What do we know for sure about Depp and Heard?

A: Depp is one of the biggest and most powerful stars on the planet (especially before that whole shit show), and is older than Heard, who was barely known for a few roles here and there. Depp left his wife (already a younger woman) to get with this younger, sexier woman. They have a 23 years age gap.

B: Depp's team encouraged the misogyny that was thrown at Heard, which you recognise yourself. He's the one who wanted this public, filmed trial.

Knowing this. What interest should any woman have in defending him, whether he is a victim, an offender, or both? You are not a defence lawyer.

You need to look at things more politically and strategically. You need to look after your OWN interest first, not after those of celebrities who, whatever happens, should know better than to date women who are only old enough to be their daughters. Depp will be fine. Well, maybe he won't, but he's an alcoholic who was already having issues finding a job because of his behaviour on set, that has nothing to do with any woman he dates. He's an adult, it's his problem, not yours. And whether or not radfems were wrong to defend Heard, they were at least right to defend her from the assumption that all women who date older and richer men are secretly evil bitches manipulating them for their money. And serious journalists who picked up on the media manipulation the Depp side orchestrated were absolutely right to report it, because THAT is way, wayyy more important a topic, socially, than whether or not Johnny Depp is being hit or hitting his too young starlet girlfriend.

Edit: Also, you should stop worrying about being "cancelled". Say what the fuck you want, your opinion is worth just as much as anyone else's. If radblr isn't capable of handling disagreement over stuff like this, we aren't better than TRAs.

[thisislittlerunaway]

Right, maybe I’m just having my moment, but in this post I’m gonna rant because I am getting very, very sick of eating mouldy bread and crumbs at the waffle house nowadays 🤢. It is demoralising, is it not?

Firstly, please don’t attack me, I’m as much a hardcore shipper as you are, but undeniably my rationality never stops me from playing devil’s advocate. It has been vexing seeing the fandom going back and forth with theories just to keep the Lukola ship afloat amid the reality of L dating and N moving on from captaining the ship.

As much as I love Nic and Luke, I don’t plan to give up my grasp on reality to fool myself into delusion. I’m way too old and realistic for that, and by crossing over to delulu land I would be making what I believe real in my mind, rather than observing something real and appreciating it, which is how I believe I got into this fandom.

So far evidence has shown N & L seem to be very different people in terms of work ethics, career projection, choice of friends, attitude to fans and fame, and PR strategies among other things. Plus, as much as the fandom tries in its most creative ways to dismiss this, Luke does have an ‘alleged’ gf whom he takes seriously enough to bring with him almost everywhere, and who has somehow stuck around for almost a year. Say what you like but Luke’s actions don’t scream one-sided from A at all. And who is she to be so powerful to ‘force’ him into bringing her everywhere?

I ship Lukola, but I don’t NEED them to exist. If there really isn’t anything between them (ever, or anymore) apart from a good friendship, it is OK, I just want to know.

Promotion period is over. We have given S3 so much hype and this has resulted in amazing success and public recognition. Luke is still with A and seemingly distancing himself from the B’ton bubble, N has moved on to other projects, so why can’t they just release us from this rollercoaster of emotions by confirming once and for all that they are just friends. I bet some fans (like myself) will appreciate being freed from the misery.

The only possible reason I can think of to explain why we are stuck here in the WH with all this mess is perhaps when N & L were chosen as S3 leads, their contract got renewed and part of it requires them to drive this dating narrative for as long as they are cast members. It is likely Shondaland has learnt from previous seasons and QC how powerful fans can be when they wholeheartedly believe in a ship and decided to fully capitalize on this, not just for S3 but for as long as they can. Conveniently they have N & L who are very close and comfortable with each other, and the very hard working Nic who seems to have chemistry with everyone and understands how a fandom works way too well.

So, as per their contract, N & L cannot publicly claim any gf/bf, but of course neither Netflix nor Shondaland can stop them living their personal lives, or stop their friends and tabloids from digging into N and L’s private lives for publicity. I can imagine this to be suffocating, I wouldn’t be surprised if L did find it too much and just wanted to get away from it all as soon as possible, hence his behaviour since Part 2 premier. This is obviously bad for publicity and potentially upset N + Shonda who work super hard for B’ton and S3 to be a success. I suspect there is tension and disagreement behind the scene, and while they want to keep us believing in Lukola, they really can’t control Luke’s life. This explains all the mixed messages we are getting.

So now we have it, an awkward situation where our beloved find themselves damned if they do and damned if they don’t. So much conflict of interest, so strong also is the sentiment from fans who are ready for the next backlash in response to any upsetting news that no one wants to risk losing the support by officially busting the bubble.

Hence we are all stuck. Luke buried himself in the sand with HBS ver 2 and Nic buries herself in work. We are left starved, only barely kept alive when Netflix, Shondaland and some cast/crew occasionally drop some BTS and info to keep us interested.

This was never what I signed up for when I joined this fandom. I am frustrated, a bit heart broken, and getting more and more cynical each day. I am hanging dearly on to my seat in the waffle house but trust me, some days I wish I had never got here in the first place.

End of my rant, I’ll probably sulk a bit and get back here tomorrow to continue with all this shipping business 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Have a good day!

[xiii-e]

Hello there.

I do hope this message finds you well. I wanted to ask for a bit of advice, specifically, how to help someone in a situation that I suspect as… similar to yours. Although, I'm not at liberty to give any more information, [At this time.] Any and all suggestions or advice would be most welcome.

Thank you

[ECHO.EXE RUNNING]

XIII▸ Hello in kind. I will admit, I have been looking at this message for some time trying to decipher what specific aspect of my situation would like advice on. There are a few abnormal facets of my existance. I will try to hit on what I believe may be useful for each of them.

XIII▸ Regarding my position as Medic: Someone who defines themself by how they can help others will always try to drive themself just that little bit further. It is a part of being driven to stand against human suffering- there will always be more people to help. Your work is never done. Sometimes, you will have to lie in order to ensure they get the rest they need. Sometimes you will need to lean on them, in a way that feels like manipulation. What is important is that it works. A medic must be cared for, despite themself; most will rarely let you do so without a fight.

XIII▸ Regarding my existance as a flashclone: I am... uncertain of what specific advice I can offer, without more details. I will make my best attempt. There will be something strange to their being; I experience severe migraines with- hm. Flashes of tomorrow // yesterday // two hours from now something I'm not entirely sure of. Helios-8 posesses marbling scars that ache, from time to time. There are issues that are better, and ones that are worse. Your aquaintence may not know what quirk they possess. Additionally, there may be a great many things your companion does not know, and depending on their openness they may not be willing to ask. Establishing a habit of explaining the basics of things may be helpful. Understand their experience of the world is likely deeply alien to yours; this is not inherently a bad thing. Others may have made it one.

XIII▸ Regarding the reality of my programming: You cannot break it with blunt truth. If you attempt to meet an individual who has experienced long-term conditioning with beliefs that do not align with their enforced understanding of the world, you will fix nothing- all you will do is scare them, or anger them. They, simply put, will simply come to see you as someone who does not fundamentally understand them and is unwilling to try. Your actual intent will not matter. I am sorry if this is upsetting. If you are trying to help someone under conditioning, the first thing you must accept is that it is not about you. You have to meet them, where they are. You have to accept there are some battles you will not win. You will have to lie to your friend. It will be for their own good.

XIII▸ Finally, regarding my restricted behaviours under Armory law: ECHO has served me well, regarding loosening the yoke of what I am and am not permitted to say. There are still things I cannot admit to, though some of that restriction must be associated with the prior point. I am afraid I cannot offer any advice on extracting someone from Purview space, if that is something you require. Predominantly, you need to provide your associate with both encryption and plausible deniability; higher command knowing you are keeping a secret can be just as dangerous as knowing those secrets.

XIII▸ I do hope that somewhere in here, is the answer you were looking for. If you are willing and/or able to provide further context, I may be able to expand on the points here.

XIII▸ I wish you luck.

[ XIII-E ]

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